Huh?

He makes me happy. He kisses my hands when he holds them. I catch him looking at me in the movies. He texts me to tell me he is thinking of me, and always to tell me good morning and good night. So when I haven't been able to see him for a week, just because of our schedules, and he stops texting that often, should I really be as alarmed as I feel? I'm confused and a little scared, to be honest, and I really don't want to be burned again, especially by who I think is a good one...

Does it take a fall?

Trust is a funny thing. One would think it was more cut-and-dry than this. Someone lies to you, one way or another, and that's it. You can't trust them at all. Once you get away from them, you'd think you could start anew. Clean slate. Carte blanche. But no, sometimes the damage is so bad that it carries over with new people. Can you learn to trust again on your own? Is that possible? Or do you always need someone else to show you how? Can you wake up one morning and just decide, "OK, I'm good," and let someone in to your heart? Or will someone always pay, in one way or another, for someone else's mistakes?

I think I can, I think I can....I just won't.

I cannot take this anymore. It seems like the new management has pre-decided that she doesn't like any of the current employees and that we're all pretty much worthless. We're on a supposed "30 day probation," which in my opinion is bullshit. My thing is, if you don't like my performance, tell me so that I can improve. The new manager has even said "Don't come to me with a problem unless you have a solution to suggest," so why can't we have the same courtesy applied to us? Also, how can you change around everything we're doing, basically making us re-learn our jobs, as well as giving us more responsibilities, and expect immediate optimum performance? Aside from that, I'm having a conscience problem. My job is basically to promote a product which I feel is inferior. Granted, I do get customers that know exactly what they are buying and are content with that, but I can't push something and lie to someone when I know it's not true.
I can't work in an environment like this any longer, but I'm no quitter. Not only that, I know how sketchy it looks to quit a job before you have one. So what do I do? I'd leave properly, with notice and all. I wouldn't just walk out or not show up, although I am tempted every day on an hourly basis. Those of you with more "real world" experience than I have, what would you do? It's soaking up my sanity and it's affecting every aspect of my life. I don't know what to do.

Like banging my head on a brick wall...I went to school for this?

I keep telling myself that all this is happening for a reason, but I have no idea what that reason is. Day by day I lose a little bit more of my sanity, and I'm forgetting how to build it back up again. Is this what I'm supposed to be taught? Mother Teresa once said, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Is that what this is? I feel like a total idiot, like there's something I should be able to do about this, but it's just not taking. It also feels like the more I want something, the more it guarantees me that it won't happen. Why? Someone please just put me out of my misery NOW.

Edit

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. There. I said it. Fuck.

I'm agreeing with you Ashley, and I'm the wrong person for support.

Blondies/Brownies, beware!

*grumble*

I've had an interesting weekend. I guess I should be feeling ok. I got to see my best friend who came down from Illinois, and made some of the best fried chicken I've ever had (even though it was a little undercooked...thank God for microwaves). I laughed so hard last night I nearly choked on a green bean. And, the best part is that I don't have to be at work until Wednesday! But I can't seem to focus on all that good stuff. I can only think about the crap. I spent $60+ on liquor and drank maybe $2 of it. A really cool salsa t-shirt that I bought barely fits one of my boobs, let alone both of them (Women's XL, my ass!). I can't afford what I'd like to, and the jobs seem even harder to find than when I had just graduated. I feel like I've been left hanging.
I know I talked about the power of prayer in my last post, and I now see that the hardest thing is keeping up faith and hope when you feel like your prayers just aren't being heard. I just have to keep in my head that it will all work out eventually. Either that or write it on a little note card and keep it in my pocket.

Shit. I think my allergies are kicking in. Why? It's JULY!!!

Power of Prayer

I've started to pray the St. Joseph Novena. I'm not an overly religious person, but I often find myself turning to prayer when I don't know what else to do. I don't know if it's a superstition thing or what. To me, it's more powerful than that. When I feel there is nothing left I can do in a particular situation, I pray. I've been doing more and more of it lately as well.
I began the St. Joseph Novena two days ago. Acutally, four days. I started, then forgot the second day, and had to start over.

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NINE-DAYS NOVENA TO ST. JOSEPH

(Note: This prayer was found in the 50th year of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. In 1505, it was sent by the Pope to Emperor Charles when he was going into battle. It is said that whoever shall read this prayer or take it with them, shall never die a sudden death or be drowned, nor shall poison take effect on them; neither shall they fall into the hands of the enemy, or shall be burned in any fire or shall be overpowered in battle.)

Say this prayer for nine days for anything you may desire. Then let go and let God. Trust that whatever is the outcome of your novena is truly what is best for you in accordance with the will of God.)

O Saint Joseph, whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the throne of God, I place in you all my interests and desires.

O Saint Joseph, assist me by your powerful intercession and obtain for me from your Divine Son all spiritual blessings through Jesus Christ, Our Lord; so that having engaged here below your heavenly power, I may offer my thanksgiving and homage to the most loving of Fathers.

O Saint Joseph, I never weary contemplating you and Jesus asleep in your arms; I dare not approach while He reposes near your heart. Press Him in my name and kiss His fine head for me, and ask Him to return the Kiss when I draw my dying breath. Amen

O Saint Joseph, hear my prayers and obtain my petitions. O Saint Joseph, pray for me. (Mention your intention)
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From what I have been told, it's a powerful prayer. My father prayed it every day while he was in Vietnam, and came home without a scratch. I also know both of my parents prayed it so we could sell the house in Virginia back in 1992, and here we are. I've never been able to remember to pray it for nine mornings, so I guess what I have wanted to pray for in the past wasn't that important. At the same time, I know that it can be just as much of a blessing having prayers unanswered. I know that what I want isn't always what's supposed to happen.
So it's the second day, and I'm seeing changes already. Part of what I am praying for is closure, and the strength to get my ex-boyfriend out of my life, since I don't see my relationship with him as healthy. It's part of what is keeping me stagnant, and I want so much to go forward. Well, yesterday, I finally found the strength to delete him from everything I have: my phone, my computer, online. I finally told him I was done, and I finally feel it.
The power of prayer is to feel the small changes. They are tiny in the grand scope of things, but enormous to me. For once, I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.