Keeping Tabs

Many of you know about my crappy ex-boyfriend. I don't have any regrets, but me getting back together with him (the first time, back in 2002) will forever be recognized as one of my stupidest moves ever. Still, a necessary error, and I learned alot about myself by looking back on what a dumbshit I was with him. I'm finally cured of my dependency on him, and have been doing everything I can to move on to a healthier state of being. For once I feel like no matter what, I will never want him back. I remember before, telling myself that if he were to ever come back, "changes would have to be made," but I now know with 110% certainty that nothing he could ever do would make me want him again. So if I'm done, what's the big deal? Here's my issue: He has constantly been checking up on me, e-stalking me, if you will. He visits my other blog (which is pretty much just full of bullshit now, just random thoughts or song lyrics I might like) and my MySpace page at least once, normally twice, a day. He doesn't IM me, email me, call me, or text me, nor do I have any desire for him to do so. I guess it shouldn't bother me, but it does. What the hell does he want from me? Does he want to know if I'm miserable without him? Does he want to know if I'm seeing someone? Does he just want to make sure I'm ok? Or is it just that he wants to assure himself that I'll always love him (a promise I made years ago that I have long since broken, and happily so)? I'm struggling with the desire to confront him, to ask him what the hell he wants, and would he be so kind as to leave me the fuck alone. Part of me says, "Screw it, he's your past, who cares? Say whatever you want," but the rest of me (and I don't know if this is the sensible or neurotic side) says, "No, that's putting more uneccesary effort into that shithead than you should." I know most people shouldn't complain about their exes, to show that they are grown up and beyond all that childish BS, but he's constantly butting into something that I wish he'd just stay out of.
I could delete the blog, and I could make my MySpace page private, but I don't want to do that. I don't have to. I have nothing to hide, and that old blog would be like throwing out an old diary. Why should I have to change just because he can't get over me?

The Waiting Game

I know I've talked about this before, and maybe it just seems more present since I'm single, but it seems like everyone around me is getting married. My best and longest friend is already married, and my other best friend will be married in about a year. I went to a bridal shower yesterday (for someone younger than me), and I'm surrounded by photos of friends (via Facebook) who have just gotten married or engaged! I know that everything happens in its own time, but somehow I can't shake this nagging feeling that there's something I'm missing out on. And I don't even know if it's something I want or something that's meant for me!

I need to get out of this house and DO something. I do not like being patient.

So it's not me it's...him?

Actually, it's HER. I don't even know her, but I am sure plenty of other women have met her or had to deal with her: The Ex-Girlfriend. We've also all been her at some point. I sure know I have. Yet until you're seeing it as "the New Girl" with someone you really, really like, you don't really think about it. I could tell something was wrong. Call it a hunch, call it "woman's intuition," call it whatever you want. I just say it's self-education after years of developed disinterest. And this time I wasn't wrong, just slightly off the mark. (Still...not wrong...just go with it...) It's not that he's lost interest in me; he's still just as interested as he always has been (at least I hope so!). It's just that she keeps on calling him and it's frustrating him. I begin to wonder, "Was I ever that girl?" With a wave of embarrassment I realize that yes, I was that girl, albeit with only one guy (and he deserved it). One never realizes the effect they can have on others involved rather than just the intended individual. Now all I'm praying is that she'll wise up and do what I did: move on and go away.

Huh?

He makes me happy. He kisses my hands when he holds them. I catch him looking at me in the movies. He texts me to tell me he is thinking of me, and always to tell me good morning and good night. So when I haven't been able to see him for a week, just because of our schedules, and he stops texting that often, should I really be as alarmed as I feel? I'm confused and a little scared, to be honest, and I really don't want to be burned again, especially by who I think is a good one...

Does it take a fall?

Trust is a funny thing. One would think it was more cut-and-dry than this. Someone lies to you, one way or another, and that's it. You can't trust them at all. Once you get away from them, you'd think you could start anew. Clean slate. Carte blanche. But no, sometimes the damage is so bad that it carries over with new people. Can you learn to trust again on your own? Is that possible? Or do you always need someone else to show you how? Can you wake up one morning and just decide, "OK, I'm good," and let someone in to your heart? Or will someone always pay, in one way or another, for someone else's mistakes?

I think I can, I think I can....I just won't.

I cannot take this anymore. It seems like the new management has pre-decided that she doesn't like any of the current employees and that we're all pretty much worthless. We're on a supposed "30 day probation," which in my opinion is bullshit. My thing is, if you don't like my performance, tell me so that I can improve. The new manager has even said "Don't come to me with a problem unless you have a solution to suggest," so why can't we have the same courtesy applied to us? Also, how can you change around everything we're doing, basically making us re-learn our jobs, as well as giving us more responsibilities, and expect immediate optimum performance? Aside from that, I'm having a conscience problem. My job is basically to promote a product which I feel is inferior. Granted, I do get customers that know exactly what they are buying and are content with that, but I can't push something and lie to someone when I know it's not true.
I can't work in an environment like this any longer, but I'm no quitter. Not only that, I know how sketchy it looks to quit a job before you have one. So what do I do? I'd leave properly, with notice and all. I wouldn't just walk out or not show up, although I am tempted every day on an hourly basis. Those of you with more "real world" experience than I have, what would you do? It's soaking up my sanity and it's affecting every aspect of my life. I don't know what to do.

Like banging my head on a brick wall...I went to school for this?

I keep telling myself that all this is happening for a reason, but I have no idea what that reason is. Day by day I lose a little bit more of my sanity, and I'm forgetting how to build it back up again. Is this what I'm supposed to be taught? Mother Teresa once said, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Is that what this is? I feel like a total idiot, like there's something I should be able to do about this, but it's just not taking. It also feels like the more I want something, the more it guarantees me that it won't happen. Why? Someone please just put me out of my misery NOW.