A Horse of a Whole 'Nother Color!

Ok, so after a crazy 13 hour stint at work, I conned one of my coworkers (sorta) into seeing the late-late showing of "The Golden Compass." I remember being interested in seeing it when I initially saw the previews, and when I found out it was written by Phillip Pullman, I knew it was something I wanted to see. I had read some of his other books of the young adult genre when I was in high school, and they were all great. I'm also a big fan of C.S. Lewis and the fantasy-as-allegory types of literature, so I had to see what this was all about.
Within the last couple of weeks, I've heard the controversy over Pullman's atheist views on the book/movie. I approached it in two different ways. The first I like to refer to as "the Harry Potter Principle." It's just a movie. People are worried about their children seeing this movie and wanting to know about atheism. Well, if a child watches a movie and all of a sudden is atheist, you have more to worry about than a movie. I am all for parents supervising what their children are exposed to, but chances are, most children won't grasp the atheist views. The second way I look at the controversy is more defensive. What better way to be able to defend your beliefs than to "know thy enemy," as Sun Tzu would say. Know what else is out there, and learn more about your own beliefs in the meantime. But I'm a twenty four year old woman. I'm pretty sure I am smart enough not to get brainwashed by a fantasy movie. I also think that since Pullman was up front and open about his atheist views rather than trying to sneak them in, and I respect that.
So, I saw it. I was sleepy, and had second thoughts, but I saw it. At the 12:15 showing. Zzzzzz.... huh?
I should probably start off by saying I am Roman Catholic, and went to Catholic schools until college. I'm no religious fanatic, but I do recognize the role religion has played in my life. Now, I've seen some atheist movies and read some atheist books. Carl Sagan's "Contact," for example. I can see the ideals there, and understand them. "The Golden Compass," however, was not only atheist, it was totally anti-religion, and I am not sure I was expecting that. It was almost surprising to see something so opposite my own faith. The movie itself was really entertaining. The actors were very good, and the story alone was really well written, and I will go see the next installment. But wow...Pullman really has some strong feelings about religion, and I am guessing the Catholic Church is in the foreground of his opinions. The "evil" organization, the "bad guys," are called the "Magisterium," which is actually a Roman Catholic term which refers to the teaching authority of the Church. It also is meant to interpret the Word of God. In a scene that takes place in a Russian-like town, I saw what looked like icons painted on the walls of a "Magisterium" building, very similar to those found in Byzantine and many Orthodox churches. Needless to say, I was amazed.
After all that, I am not quite sure what to make of the movie. I liked it, but at the same time, I feel almost hurt. Is that the right word, hurt? I'm not sure. Did anyone else see it? Let me know what you think...

Right Now

Right now there is so much going on and I am trying to figure out how to sort it all, and where to put things.
First and foremost, Christmas is coming. I'm making three different types of candy to give as gifts. Two are different varieties of chocolate bark, one featuring roasted cashews, and dried cranberries and apricots, and the other with candied orange and walnuts. The last candy is a chocolate pretzel cup. Classic. I have to make myself a little "to do" list so I can get it all done on my day off tomorrow.
Along with Christmas, my trip to Yellowstone is also fast approaching. I leave in a week and a half, and I don't feel like I am the least bit ready! I bought snowy weather clothing, but I want to make another list to make sure I have everything I need! I keep thinking, "Do I need gloves? What about a scarf? Do I have one? Where are my boots? I don't have any socks!"

On a larger scale, I have been muddling over some big decisions. I need to do more with my career and education if I want to get where I want to go. If I want to work for the State Department, I need more under my belt than just a B.A. and two foreign languages. I need something BIG. I have decided I am going to either join the military or the Peace Corps. I'm going to apply for the FSO exam, and if it pans out, it pans out. However, I don't have very high hopes, so if they say no, I'm looking at the Air Force or Navy, or the Peace Corps. The Air Force takes care of their people, but are slow to promote. The Navy, on the other hand, has great leadership and good opportunities for language professionals. I don't want to spend my years in something I don't overly want to do sitting there like a lump on a log. I want to get things done. I want my time in the military to be useful. I kind of skated through college, doing ok, but I feel like I could have done more. I want to go to the DLI to be trained in Arabic or Farsi. I want my time to be well-spent, and rightfully so.
The Peace Corps wouldn't be such a bad idea, either. The experience I know would be incredible, no matter what I end up doing. It's run by the State Department, which is eventually where I want to be. The pay isn't great, which is the opposite of the military. I do think, though, it would change my life. I have a lot of research to do.
I also have a job I am looking at in Denver, also within the government with possibility of promotion. I just want a change, that's all. I feel restless. I can't wait tables forever. I can barely stand to do it another week.
No matter what, I think my life is pulling me away from something, away from someone that I am not sure I can let go of, even though I have no idea how it will work out.
I'll take an input anyone has to offer. In the meantime I am trying to relax so I can make a good decision.

Remember

Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...

QUESTION

Ok, I have a question and I would like for everyone who reads this thing to leave a comment as your answer. I'd really appreciate your input.

If you know that someone you care about is lying to you, is it your responsibility to call him or her on it? Or, do you let that person continue to lie, allowing them to eventually answer for their own actions?

Men vs. Women

I was speaking to a coworker this evening who is trying to earn back the trust of his wife after having cheated on her. I knew he was cheating; I even saw him at work with the other woman. He was talking about how hard it was working through things with her, and I understand. I don't think he gets how a woman processes infidelity. It's not just the idea that the person she loves has been untrue. She also questions his honesty and integrity in all other situations. Not only that, she questions herself. She wonders, "Was it me? Was I not enough? Am I not pretty enough? Did I not treat him well enough?" Because of the way women are built emotionally, they internalize everything, and wonder if it was their caring or lack thereof that drove the man to cheat.
And it really isn't that easy to regain the trust. It would take an extremely long time to get that privilege back, if it ever happens at all. As much as she tries (and this does apply for men as well), she will question every other thing he does. It doesn't matter if he is 100% honest or not, and hopefully he would be. Still, every time he calls to say he's working late, or turns his cell phone off, or even goes out with the boys, she'll wonder if that's what he's really doing. It's not just on the woman to work on the trust, the man will have to show that he's trying, too. If not, what's the use?

I speak from experience. (You think?!)

Out....

I think I've been angry for a long time and haven't known how to deal with it. Instead I've shut people out and shut myself away. I often turn to strangers to talk so I don't get overly emotional and can be objective. I feel tired, apathetic, and pained. I don't care anymore, but at the same time I feel hurt. It seems I only piss people off because I don't know what to do. I don't want people asking me questions. I feel that if I want to talk, I will. What the fuck is wrong with me?

First times...

I never thought this would happen, but last night, for the first time in my life, I slept with my bedroom door locked. In my house we hardly even close doors, let alone lock them. But apparently, this is what things have reduced to. Not only do I sleep with my purse next to my bed and hide my car keys, but now I lock my door. Why? Last night as I was lying in bed watching TV, I heard my brother in my bathroom, which is right next door to my room. He's been in there several times in a short period, which makes me wonder. It's been happening like that more and more within the last two weeks or so. Anyways, I hear something fall and I knock on the door to see if he is ok and see what he broke. Instead, I am immediately hit with the odor of vomit, and not just any vomit, but drunk vomit. I asked him is he had been throwing up and he said no (as he wiped his chin), and then I asked if he had been drinking, and he angrily replied that he hadn't. Never mind that his eyes were glossy and he was slightly slurring. I work at a bar! I know what drunk looks like. He went into his room and locked the door (suspicious). I went to use the bathroom but before I could get anywhere I stopped as I stepped into a small but slimy puddle of vomit. Yeah, ew. I knocked on the door for him to come clean it up and he tells me to F*** off, more or less. So I called my mom and she came upstairs, confirmed everything, including that she had found more empty bottles he'd stolen. He came out of his room, saying he shouldn't have to clean up he vomit (!) since my floor was dirty as it is. I didn't realize vomit was ok compared to a few hairs in the corner. He'd also puked in the bathtub and on one of my shoes. I cleaned that up, as my brother got more and more belligerent. My mother told me to go to my room and lock the door and go to bed. I did.
Yet the whole time, all I could think about was how low the situation has sunk. I was also scared of what my brother was doing behind his on closed and locked door. Things are ok today, or so they seem, but who knows how it will be tonight. I'm scared, really.