You want more? I know I didn't...

So, I'm an old lady now. Five years away from the big 3-0. Not that I'm afraid of it or anything. My birthday weekend was great - nice, quiet, and personal, just the way I wanted it. Except for the dog getting sick then my parents and myself getting sick.
Do I feel older? As a matter of fact, I do, and that's not a bad thing. My life is moving along. The only thing about moving along, especially with life, is that there are things that get left behind in order to make room for new things. Trash and knicknacks get tossed out the window, and you give away or throw away things that you don't need anymore. Room is needed to grow.
I'm finding that, as I grow older, my circle of true friends is shrinking. I gain new ones, but as I gain I also seem to lose. I received birthday greetings from many people, half of which I didn't even expect. But yet there were two people that I heard nothing from, and it hurts me more than anything. Why do we let the people we care about hurt us the worst? And when we go to stand up for ourselves, we back down because we wouldn't want to hurt them. It makes no sense. Am I afraid I'll lose them? And if I do, would it truly be a loss? Or merely a gain in disguise?

Soapbox up!

Call me old-fashioned, but I have always believed that a man has nothing without his word. Yet more and more I am coming into contact with men who put little or no value in their own integrity. Maybe it's because my father is a Marine that I value honesty and integrity so much, but as I grow older I'm seeing how important it is in life to be good for my word. I expect a man, or woman, for that matter, to get upset if it is even suggested that he or she is dishonest. I expect that to be the main thing one should stand for. Yet why is it that integrity has gone down in value? Am I wrong? Is it because of the media? Celebrities? Do we see people that we look up to lie and get away with it and somehow that's ok? What is going on? And is it so wrong for you to be questioned if there is a chance that you are being dishonest? It could possibly be that having a "backbone" is no longer a vital requirement. Yes, get upset if you are wrongfully accused. But if you really are in error, a real man (or woman) should be able to bow his or her head and admit it. That is true integrity.



.......Soapbox down.

Overdue

I think I'm way past my due date for a good week. Last week positively sucked, so please, please God let this week get better.....

.....I don't think God is getting my message. I blame technology.

For those of you that may wonder if the MBFW situation has gotten any better: it hasn't. I have yet to receive a phone call or even a text in response to my "Are you already married" question. Nice. I'm not as fired up about it as I was, although it does still upset me, but now I am just trying to figure out how long it might be before I feel like speaking to her again or having any contact. I don't even feel like telling her I'm no longer interested in being a part of the whole thing. At some point I know I have to say something, somehow. I'm thinking a telegram. Delivered by a guy in a uniform who leaves a black sedan parked on the curb. People, like my mom, Queen of Compassion (I have no clue how she does it), tell me not to let one bad instance spoil a ten-year friendship, but it's not just this one situation! It's several instances that just built up to making this one big whammy. Even my GRANDMOTHER has my back! My Uncle Freddy left me a voicemail saying I should feel bad for her fiance (all I could think was, well, yeah, he is being deployed), but his reasoning was that I should feel bad because he'd chosen to spend his life with such a selfish person. My mother also mentioned to her mother how hurt I was. I'm trying to be rational since the circumstances for her early marriage are not so great, and believe me, I understand (and even expected) this happening. But she has had at least five days to get back to me, even with a quick message, and she hasn't. And do I really want to back out of the wedding? I don't know if I want to be part of something where I am consciously left out of the loop and taken for granted. I didn't even send her a birthday invitation, even though it would have only been out of courtesy, since she isn't in town. Hmmmm....courtesy....there's that idea again.


In other news.....

There is a man where I work, one of our residents, who is certifiably crazy. And I mean that "certifiably" part literally. He has papers. He gives me the heebie-jeebies. I'm used to working around crazy people (Hell-o, Mrs. Jacobs!) But the thing with this guy is he is constantly upset. I see him walking up the sidewalk while I'm driving and I turn the other way so he can't see me and know my car. Every time he comes into the office he has something to complain about, and he makes threats. They're the kind of threats that get someone thrown in jail, or at least call for a restraining order. I don't know that he's ever acted on these threats, but I'm afraid of when he does.

Your input is requested, please...

I know that in the past I have written about my best friend's upcoming wedding. Here's an update: It has been postponed. I was having issues with finding a location for the bridal shower, and in my attempts to contact her mother about using a cousin's home, I find out (through her mother) that the wedding has been postponed due to the fiance's pending deployment. I was shocked, and wasn't quite sure as to what I should do as far as speaking to the bride-to-be. Although the diet pressure and the wedding pressure was slightly relieved for me, I didn't know what exactly the protocol would be for comforting her. I waited a few days, since I wasn't sure how fresh the wound was, and called her, leaving a message, saying I understood if she didn't want to talk, but that I would be there for her if she needed me. About a week passed, with no answer, and I tried calling again, with the same results. I noticed she was online at one point, so I emailed her. I still have not received a response from any of my attempts.
Then, earlier last week, I called her from my work number, since about 3 weeks had passed and I was getting worried, thinking she was holed up in a bathroom somewhere, slowly rocking herself and singing "It's a Small World After All." Since she didn't know my number at work, she picked up, and was apparently asleep. I told her that all I wanted to know was that she was ok, and she didn't have to talk about the situation if she didn't want to. She hung up shortly after. About a week or so later I got a call from her after I was already in bed, in which she updates me on some little things going on, and to ask if I was ok (I was in an accident on Tuesday night...I'm ok), and to ask if she and her mom could stay at my house this weekend. I told her she'd have to ask my mom and to call her, since I am not living at the house.
Then last night, after speak with my dad he goes, "So, (bride) and (groom) eloped, huh?" I politely corrected him, for surely he must be mistaken. Surely, if they were married, I would have been informed. We've been best friends for ten years. I'm the maid of honor, for god's sakes! After spending more time than necessary correcting my dad, I got off the phone, and my other best friend calls. She had been on the phone with my mother regarding some travel plans, and she says to me, "Did you know (bride) got married?" I told her I had no idea, and was sure she was mistaken (the only place she would have heard it from is my mother), but since she was the second person I had heard this from in the last fifteen minutes, I decided to go right to the source. I can't have rumors going around about people I love. I text her, "Are you already married?" Then I call. No answer. I'm going crazy waiting for her, so I call the fiance, and he tells me that yes....they got married.
So now I'm hurt, and I'm angry, and quite disrespected. And the more I think about it and try and maybe rationalize it, the angrier I get! She wasn't even the one to tell me the wedding was postponed! It was up on her (social networking site)'s webpage, but she never told me. In fact, I might still be trying to plan the shower if I hadn't called her mother. So she tells my mother before she tells me that she's married already. Does she call quickly afterward so that she is still the person that tells me first? Nope. Has she even tried to call yet to talk about it? Nope. And am I planning on speaking to her at all? I'll let you fill in this response.
In fact, I'm sending the two-sizes-too-small dress back to her, saying maybe she should find a real size 14 that can fit into it.
Am I wrong here?

The Next Move

I've never been the kind of girl who plays games. I'm straightforward and sincere, and will generally tell you how I'm feeling, should the case present itself. I've never played too much "hard to get," or teased anyone. I've never purposely ignored someone. I've always felt that these games people play were useless and a waste of time, and someone who was worth my time didn't need to get caught up in all that. I've always said that this is who I am; you can take it or leave it. And I honestly don't care. Nonetheless, my dating life sucks, but I blame that on my being picky.
Yet there's one person that's been in my life for six years now, one that I can't seem to shake, and I'm not sure if I want to or not. I care about him, but although he says he cares about me as well, I just can't bring myself to believe him. Why? Well, for one, he's lied to me and betrayed my trust in the past on more than one occasion. That alone should be enough reason for me to cut him off altogether. Another reason is that he just doesn't seem to show me he cares. Therefore, I have decided to put one of these stupid games that I have always avoided into play. I'm ignoring him. It's not so much out of conniving as it is out of exhaustion. I got tired of being the one to call, the one to say hello first. I got tired of his broken promises to call, and the feeling of being ignored. I don't deserve it, and in my opinion (let me know if you agree with me on this) am owed just a little bit of consideration here. For example: two days ago I used ten of my last dollars (and my lunch hour) to help him out. Did I get a thank you? No. Did he call me since then? No. Did he at least text me? No.
That's when I decided to set the wheels in motion. I want to use 2008 for myself, to make myself a better person, and to grow. The way I have done things in the past hasn't gotten me as far as I want to be, so I'm doing my best to get what I want. I stopped calling him. No texts, either. I didn't hear anything from him until last night. A text message, saying "Hey," nothing else. I didn't answer. Then, an instant message this morning: "hi." Didn't feeling like answering that either. One text message and one (unanswered) phone call later, I'm still here, ignoring him. He knows where to find me. He didn't even leave a message before. I figure if he cares, he'll try harder to get in touch with me. If he doesn't, then, well, that's pretty self-explanatory. I'll deal with that when it gets there, but either way I'll be OK. I don't know what I'll say to him when I do speak to him. Maybe just act nonchalant, like I had better things to do. Like, I said, I've never been one of "those girls."
And I don't know if I want to become one.

Twenty Seven Dresses and the One That Bothers Me the Most

If I wasn't a total cynic before, I am one now. I also think that I have just watched the last chick-flick I will watch for a very long time. I've noticed that I've slowly but surely stopped listening to love songs. I make exceptions for old songs, like the ones by Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra and Michael Buble, because they are more tied to memories of family and friends as opposed to relationships or crushes or whatever. I listen to music I can choreograph in my head, music for which I can plan elaborate dance numbers. There's generally no one in them but myself, maybe a random person if I need an imaginary dance partner. The point is, I now know for sure I won't be getting married. Ever. The idea is nice, but I don't think it's for me. I watch these movies, like "27 Dresses," and the stuff seems so outrageous that I feel for sure it's impossible. So why wait for it to happen to me?

8.457

I think I have found the shallowest site on the Web. (And no, it's not "www.puddle.com" You think you're witty...) And sadly, I have to admit, I am a member. I tell you what, though, it really is difficult trying not to get caught up in the "shallowness" of it all. What is it? It's called FaceTheJury.com, and it's one of those sites where people "rate" your photo on a scale of one to ten, ten being the "hottest" rating one can give or receive. There is quite a variety of people on there, allowing for different tastes and whatnot. But in the end, it really boils down to are you good looking in a particular photo or not? Generally, there are tons of girls with photos in low-cut tank tops and lots of eyeliner and lip gloss and plenty of shirtless guys. The almost always get the "tens." Me? I'm an 8.4. Whoop-de-do. I honestly don't care about my rating. It's nice, but at the end of the day, being on there just makes me feel like an old lady. (In my defense, I joined out of supreme boredom after my knee injury in July. To be fair, I have met a handful of truly interesting people. But my profile has been a bit of a turn-off, I think. Do I care? Nah. It may piss some people off, but it has done a nice job of weeding people out.) Why do I feel like an old lady? Well, first of all, I'm turned off by the blatant sexuality plastered all over most of other members' photos. Then, when I actually go to read what some write in their profile boxes, I see exactly where our education system has dropped the ball, and my skin crawls. What really makes me laugh, though, are the people that go on there saying that they are looking for a serious relationship! Not to knock Internet dating or anything, it's really an up-and-coming method for meeting potential partners, but would you really want to base your future on someone you meet at a meat-market kind of site?
You may ask, why am I still a member if I seemingly loathe it so much? Well, I still do get bored occasionally, and there are a few people that I enjoy talking with that are on there. But chances are I'll delete my account before long and have done with it.

I know there was a point I wanted to make, but it flew out the window.