Home...

So I'm home now from Mexico, after an amazing trip. Nothing happened on a grand scale, but I felt so comfortable there. The people were so warm and nice, and the area was beautiful. I think I spoke Spanish about 98% of the time. I'm so proud that Heidi was starting to understand. I feel bad speaking in a language others don't understand. Most of the time I translated for her. I never expected to like - no - love Mexico as much as I did. The beauty of the culture and traditions amazed me. I almost don't see Georgia the same anymore. I feel out of place, like there is really nothing for me her anymore. I can't wait to go back. I think this trip was just what I needed.

Thus far....

What I have learned....
...Spend the entire day on a boat, and chances are you will also spend the night there too.
...Make plans, but expect nothing. You will ALWAYS be surprised, and always have a good time.
...Dancing and not caring who is watching only makes people watch more.
...It's ok not to wear a bra.
....A cotton sundress can do wonders.
...It doesn't take much.

Fear...

I'm afraid I've become a cynic. I've become someone I've never wanted to be. When I broke up with Phillip, I told myself I didn't want to become this embittered woman. But honestly, I think I give up. After being with him for so long, and putting everything I had into that relationship, trusting in him, then finding out that everything might as well be a lie, it left a mark. And the guys I gave a chance to (after much deliberation) only turned out to be major disappointments. And now, I don't want a boyfriend. I don't even want to get married. I don't want children. Everything I thought I wanted, now I don't.
Maybe it's not that I don't think I won't find someone. I'm just afraid of being let down...again. It seems that every time I get a little excited about someone, I get disappointed. Say whatever you want: I'm "meeting the wrong guys"; There's "someone out there somewhere"; blah blah blah...You know, I'm even finding that when I am asked out for a date, I just DON'T WANT TO GO. It's not that the guys aren't nice or whatever, and I am not turning them down either. I'll say yes, but when it all comes down to it, I just have no desire to go.
I'm ok being alone, really I am. But then I'm around my two best friends, both of which have serious boyfriends. My VERY best friend, Cindy, is even getting married next year, and guess who is the maid of honor? I see them together, and how happy they are, and the only thing I feel is that feeling that I will never have that. When I went to get my palms read on my last birthday, the woman said my love line was long, but that I "should have found" my soul mate already. Does that mean I already met him and let him go, or maybe that now I won't find him since I already "should have?" I get lonely, but in the end, it's really just me. I enjoy being alone. I can think, and I don't have to answer to anyone. I can go out and have fun and do whatever I want. But once in a while I wouldn't mind having someone to hug me. Then maybe they could just go back home. I don't want a "friend with benefits." It just makes me feel used. If I am going to enter into that kind of relationship again, I'd rather there be something more between me and the other person besides some lust and a few shots of vodka.
Cindy tells my mom that she thinks I have high standards as far as guys go. And maybe I do. I just don't want to be let down. I'm scared.
What's wrong with me?