Thursday, July 17, 2008

Does it take a fall?

Trust is a funny thing. One would think it was more cut-and-dry than this. Someone lies to you, one way or another, and that's it. You can't trust them at all. Once you get away from them, you'd think you could start anew. Clean slate. Carte blanche. But no, sometimes the damage is so bad that it carries over with new people. Can you learn to trust again on your own? Is that possible? Or do you always need someone else to show you how? Can you wake up one morning and just decide, "OK, I'm good," and let someone in to your heart? Or will someone always pay, in one way or another, for someone else's mistakes?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I think I can, I think I can....I just won't.

I cannot take this anymore. It seems like the new management has pre-decided that she doesn't like any of the current employees and that we're all pretty much worthless. We're on a supposed "30 day probation," which in my opinion is bullshit. My thing is, if you don't like my performance, tell me so that I can improve. The new manager has even said "Don't come to me with a problem unless you have a solution to suggest," so why can't we have the same courtesy applied to us? Also, how can you change around everything we're doing, basically making us re-learn our jobs, as well as giving us more responsibilities, and expect immediate optimum performance? Aside from that, I'm having a conscience problem. My job is basically to promote a product which I feel is inferior. Granted, I do get customers that know exactly what they are buying and are content with that, but I can't push something and lie to someone when I know it's not true.
I can't work in an environment like this any longer, but I'm no quitter. Not only that, I know how sketchy it looks to quit a job before you have one. So what do I do? I'd leave properly, with notice and all. I wouldn't just walk out or not show up, although I am tempted every day on an hourly basis. Those of you with more "real world" experience than I have, what would you do? It's soaking up my sanity and it's affecting every aspect of my life. I don't know what to do.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Like banging my head on a brick wall...I went to school for this?

I keep telling myself that all this is happening for a reason, but I have no idea what that reason is. Day by day I lose a little bit more of my sanity, and I'm forgetting how to build it back up again. Is this what I'm supposed to be taught? Mother Teresa once said, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Is that what this is? I feel like a total idiot, like there's something I should be able to do about this, but it's just not taking. It also feels like the more I want something, the more it guarantees me that it won't happen. Why? Someone please just put me out of my misery NOW.

Sunday, July 6, 2008


Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. There. I said it. Fuck.

I'm agreeing with you Ashley, and I'm the wrong person for support.

Blondies/Brownies, beware!


I've had an interesting weekend. I guess I should be feeling ok. I got to see my best friend who came down from Illinois, and made some of the best fried chicken I've ever had (even though it was a little undercooked...thank God for microwaves). I laughed so hard last night I nearly choked on a green bean. And, the best part is that I don't have to be at work until Wednesday! But I can't seem to focus on all that good stuff. I can only think about the crap. I spent $60+ on liquor and drank maybe $2 of it. A really cool salsa t-shirt that I bought barely fits one of my boobs, let alone both of them (Women's XL, my ass!). I can't afford what I'd like to, and the jobs seem even harder to find than when I had just graduated. I feel like I've been left hanging.
I know I talked about the power of prayer in my last post, and I now see that the hardest thing is keeping up faith and hope when you feel like your prayers just aren't being heard. I just have to keep in my head that it will all work out eventually. Either that or write it on a little note card and keep it in my pocket.

Shit. I think my allergies are kicking in. Why? It's JULY!!!