Thursday, June 7, 2007


I'm afraid I've become a cynic. I've become someone I've never wanted to be. When I broke up with Phillip, I told myself I didn't want to become this embittered woman. But honestly, I think I give up. After being with him for so long, and putting everything I had into that relationship, trusting in him, then finding out that everything might as well be a lie, it left a mark. And the guys I gave a chance to (after much deliberation) only turned out to be major disappointments. And now, I don't want a boyfriend. I don't even want to get married. I don't want children. Everything I thought I wanted, now I don't.
Maybe it's not that I don't think I won't find someone. I'm just afraid of being let down...again. It seems that every time I get a little excited about someone, I get disappointed. Say whatever you want: I'm "meeting the wrong guys"; There's "someone out there somewhere"; blah blah blah...You know, I'm even finding that when I am asked out for a date, I just DON'T WANT TO GO. It's not that the guys aren't nice or whatever, and I am not turning them down either. I'll say yes, but when it all comes down to it, I just have no desire to go.
I'm ok being alone, really I am. But then I'm around my two best friends, both of which have serious boyfriends. My VERY best friend, Cindy, is even getting married next year, and guess who is the maid of honor? I see them together, and how happy they are, and the only thing I feel is that feeling that I will never have that. When I went to get my palms read on my last birthday, the woman said my love line was long, but that I "should have found" my soul mate already. Does that mean I already met him and let him go, or maybe that now I won't find him since I already "should have?" I get lonely, but in the end, it's really just me. I enjoy being alone. I can think, and I don't have to answer to anyone. I can go out and have fun and do whatever I want. But once in a while I wouldn't mind having someone to hug me. Then maybe they could just go back home. I don't want a "friend with benefits." It just makes me feel used. If I am going to enter into that kind of relationship again, I'd rather there be something more between me and the other person besides some lust and a few shots of vodka.
Cindy tells my mom that she thinks I have high standards as far as guys go. And maybe I do. I just don't want to be let down. I'm scared.
What's wrong with me?


Fernando said...

I don't think there's need for fear/concern/etc. After a breakup, especially one under ugly circumstances, these feelings are natural. (At least, they were for me.) Only advice I can offer is, if you don't feel like dating or looking, then don't. Live your life and build the future you want for yourself. The rest will fall into place when it's time. Keep your standards high. Make sure your next guy *earns* you.

Celia the Great said...

I agree with the statement above; never "settle"!!! You're far too wonderful to be unhappy. And I know you're going to hate hearing it, but I think you put too much thought into what other people think -- especially boys. You shouldn't!! And honey, you've still got so much ahead of you. I think you should really use this time to get to know yourself, cheesy as that is. After all, it's hard to love someone when they have to rely on the affections and attention of others; I've been with John for nearly 5 years now and I'm still having problems with that!!! But either way, it's YOUR life. Don't try to mold it for anyone else unless they're willing to do it for you, too!!!!!