*Sigh*

I don't know what to write about, really. I had so many ideas today, but they Y beat them out of me, and now all I have to face is exhaustion. On the upside, I didn't want to go work out tonight, but I did anyhow. Chalk one up for perseverance. I can't even think of anything write now. The thoughts are so fleeting. I yawn and they're gone. Crap. And have to be up an hour earlier tomorrow because we're having a visit from the Boys from Boston, our property owners. Yaaaay, Corporate.
One thing I want to know, though, is why can alcohol make you cry? I know it's a depressant, but sometimes it's just ridiculous.
Another thing: I don't know how you people can stand to use the elliptical machine. Jesus H!

Damn you, caramel color!

The hardest part of this weight loss saga o' mine isn't the exercising. It's not the eating better, or eating less. It's my ongoing addiction to the pride and joy of Atlanta, GA: Coca Cola. Not Pepsi, not Dr. Pepper, but full strength, premium grade Coca Cola. Damn, I'm jonesing for one as I think of it. Oh, it's an addiction all right. I see someone drinking one and I start to salivate and get all jumpy. I get headaches if I don't drink it. I'm down to one a day, which is a strong improvement, seeing as how I could drink nothing but that and coffee all the time, with a little alcohol thrown in for good measure, and the occasional tablespoonful of water that might creep down my throat while brushing my teeth. I'm better now; I'm drinking mostly water or lemonade, maybe unsweetened tea (never had the taste for sweet tea), and my one Coke a day. And don't tell me to drink Diet Coke. It's just not the same. I'd rather give it up altogether.

I didn't work out last night, at least not at the Y. I did, however, go salsa dancing, which for me is even more of a workout than the good ol' Y can produce. I get the endorphins from a 10 mile jog, and have a blast while doing it. I don't even think about doing it. And there's additional entertainment, or at least last night there was. I met this guy who started flirting with me, which was OK by me, never hurt anyone, right? Well he started to get around to the ultimate question: would I go home with him? The answer, obviously, was NO. As cliche as it sounds, I'm just not that kind of girl. And although no is the same in Spanish and English, the synapses in this poor Puerto Rican guy's hippocampus must have been misfiring last night because he kept right on going. Right up until about three in the morning, when I pointed out that if he were to "come over to [my] place," as he'd suggested, the odds of him losing a toe (or worse!) to shotgun fire were unimaginably high. Nothing like a girl that backs the NRA to shut a guy down. Even his line of, "Baby, it's nature! We're all just animals," didn't seem to do the trick. I wonder why?

I'll be back on the fitness track tomorrow. I like Saturday as a lazy day, and you've got to have some time for your body to rest. The soundtrack for the day has consisted of the following: "I Believe To My Soul" - Ray C., "God Bless the Child" and "Blue Skies" - Billie H., "I Just Whisper Your Name" - Harry C. Jr., along with a little Josh Ritter (you should check him out, Ashley!), and Cheb Mami. I've also discovered that I can't blog and listen to the narrative stylings of Garrison Keillor at the same time. Rats. It's not my fault that his voice has such magnetism!

*Note: When I ran spellchecker on my post, it suggested "hippocampus" as two separate words, i.e. "hippo campus." Cue uncontrollable giggles.*

Save me, Billie...

Today was one of those days. One of those days where you have half a mind to just hole yourself in your room and listen to Ray Charles and Billie Holiday all day. Preferably with a bottle of Jack Daniels, no glass. Although last night sucked (I found out my ex-boyfriend, asshole royale, had used my number as his contact number for a credit card...), today started off not so badly. I got to go in to work an hour later and slept nearly ten hours. (Is it bad that I felt like I could have stayed asleep for another five hours?) I picked up Starbucks on the way to work. My hair dried in the car, but upon arrival at my office, I realized it was shaping up to be a Bad Hair Day. Ugh.
I was busy all day, which was great. My job is not the job you want to be bored doing. I got a lease (Yay!) but it's my only one for the week. Then I lost a lease, one that had been planning on moving in for two months...the day before their move-in date. Rats. When I was finally able to take a lunch break, I went back to Starbucks, got another coffee, and sat. Ashley, your blog was the best part of my day!
After staying late at the office, which turned out to be a waste of time, I went to the Y. I know I've been saying I want to do three classes a week, but tonight I didn't feel like putting thought into learning the moves for a new class. Mindless walking sounded FANTASTIC. Another hour on the treadmill, and I left in a decent mood. No doubt about it, exercise really IS a great way to get out any frustration. I churned out three miles without a problem. I'm home now, too tired to get all worked up again. And for that, I'm grateful.

Ashley, after reading your blog I realize I need goals. The ones I have are slightly watery, but we do have one in common! I, too, want to take 50's style pin-up girl photos!!!! My problem is, I don't weigh myself. I don't want to. At least not now. Not until I start to feel a difference in my clothes. Then maybe I won't be shell-shocked by the scale. My main goal though, and I think I have said this before, is NEW CLOTHES. I may be the "sexiest librarian ever," but all I want is to feel normal. When people look at me, I don't want to think they're thinking of how huge I am.
I think the YMCA thing is working though. Here's my opinion of the classes I have taken so far:
Tuesday night - Middle Eastern Dancing:
SUCKED. Slow moving, hardly got my heart going at all. Bland instructor, slightly snotty. I felt like a kindergartener being looked down upon by the teacher because she knew how to read and I didn't. And I've belly danced before!!!!
Wednesday night - Zumba:
FUN! FUN! FUN! I really enjoyed the class, even though I got frustrated that I didn't pick up on the routines as quickly as I'd wanted to. I'll get it eventually. It's all I can do not to sing along with the songs. The instructor is awesome.
Thursday night - BellyRox
Actually, I should have gone, but I don't really feel bad that I didn't. I'll try it next week.

Any suggestions???

Gettin' Physical...

So I have started working out now at the Y, and I'm really liking it. I know I am motivated to do it, I just need to find a way to keep that motivation and not chicken out. I really want this, to lose the weight and feel normal. I want to go into a store without having to try on the largest size they carry and still not look good. I guess that's my biggest thing: clothes. I know it should be "health," but I REALLY want to be able to wear cute clothes. I've heard that I dress like a librarian. I guess I don't mind that so much, but I know part of that is because I've found a style that I can work with at my size. I think I may have overdone it at the gym tonight though. I need to find my limit. Bring on the pep talks!

IHOP Musings...

Thank God for free Wifi. And for breakfast food at any other time than breakfast time.
Sitting here at IHOP with my laptop makes me feel like my life is more normal than I thought, but at the same time I'm more unique then anyone else. But isn't that the point? The more I'm alone, the more I realize how easy it is to be true to myself and not be something or someone I'm not. And I like that. I woke up in a good mood...and I'm looking to keep it that way.

?????

I don't know what's going on, but lately I've felt obsessed with appearance. Usually I'm so self conscious, and I don't know if I should blame it on the upcoming holiday but I feel like I have to do so much to try and look OK. I mean, yeah, I'm joining the Y tomorrow but I have been planning that for months. But then, I started tanning again, which isn't so bad; it's about that time of year. Yet the more I think about it, more and more things keep popping into my head that I could do: get a pedicure, new clothes, redo my hair. What is wrong with me? I don't usually care so much about what other people think, at least not of how I look, at least not anymore.
I can't figure out if it's a deep seeded desire for self-improvement, but something doesn't feel right about starting with the outside. Maybe I feel stuck in a rut, and that my outer appearance is the only thing I can change. It's one thing to continue to lose the weight, but what's with all this other stuff?

Why bother?

It seems like anytime I feel like I am moving forward, something comes along to throw me back. Something I though I had beat, something I was sure I'd overcome. I guess that's the way life works. But what I want to know is why I constantly put my faith in people and get my hopes up if I am only going to be let down?

Could someone come along and restore my faith in people? Please? Because I am about to lose it...forever.

Politeness, tact, and variations

Sometimes there's no other way to say it: "Sir/Ma'am, you're an idiot."
Being alone in the office today, I'm left to fend for myself against the various residents here at work. I don't think I could be intentionally impolite if I tried, but sometimes in the aftermath of a conversation (even if it's one-sided), I can sure think of a few bitchy comebacks. I suppose that one of the main objectives of having patience is to test it. I may be in a different career, but I'm still working with customer service, and the whole "The Customer is Always Right" adage still applies, even if said Customer is dead wrong. Or stupid. My mom always told me that it's OK to be smarter than other people, but it's not okay to go around and inform others of the fact. In that sense, I think I've learned to be patient with other people when questioned. But where is the virtue in being patient and tactful if thirty seconds after they leave you feel like banging our head against a brick wall and possibly developing a drinking problem? Is the virtue in having the strength to not act on those urges? Or in not having them at all?

I scratched your back, but I'm still itching!

There is definitely something to be said for doing things for others without expecting anything in return, but at what point do you stop before becoming someone's doormat?
This new job, it's working ok, but I am definitely not going to be here forever. With luck, I won't even be here past the summer. I'm concerned with where my life is going. I'm having the same feelings about my current job that I had towards the end of my time at the Deli. I am considering a second job, but at the same time, I'm also wondering how much longer I can take this one. I could always go back to the Deli, but I am afraid it would be more of a step back than a step forward. Right now it seems like I am having no financial luck right now whatsoever. All of my money goes to bills, and the little extra I can make on the side with tutoring has come to a standstill. Any suggestions? I'm thinking bartending on the weekends....