Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Keeping Tabs

Many of you know about my crappy ex-boyfriend. I don't have any regrets, but me getting back together with him (the first time, back in 2002) will forever be recognized as one of my stupidest moves ever. Still, a necessary error, and I learned alot about myself by looking back on what a dumbshit I was with him. I'm finally cured of my dependency on him, and have been doing everything I can to move on to a healthier state of being. For once I feel like no matter what, I will never want him back. I remember before, telling myself that if he were to ever come back, "changes would have to be made," but I now know with 110% certainty that nothing he could ever do would make me want him again. So if I'm done, what's the big deal? Here's my issue: He has constantly been checking up on me, e-stalking me, if you will. He visits my other blog (which is pretty much just full of bullshit now, just random thoughts or song lyrics I might like) and my MySpace page at least once, normally twice, a day. He doesn't IM me, email me, call me, or text me, nor do I have any desire for him to do so. I guess it shouldn't bother me, but it does. What the hell does he want from me? Does he want to know if I'm miserable without him? Does he want to know if I'm seeing someone? Does he just want to make sure I'm ok? Or is it just that he wants to assure himself that I'll always love him (a promise I made years ago that I have long since broken, and happily so)? I'm struggling with the desire to confront him, to ask him what the hell he wants, and would he be so kind as to leave me the fuck alone. Part of me says, "Screw it, he's your past, who cares? Say whatever you want," but the rest of me (and I don't know if this is the sensible or neurotic side) says, "No, that's putting more uneccesary effort into that shithead than you should." I know most people shouldn't complain about their exes, to show that they are grown up and beyond all that childish BS, but he's constantly butting into something that I wish he'd just stay out of.
I could delete the blog, and I could make my MySpace page private, but I don't want to do that. I don't have to. I have nothing to hide, and that old blog would be like throwing out an old diary. Why should I have to change just because he can't get over me?


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